It's getting bad again.
I thought i was better
I was wrong
I hate my fucking body
I hate my fucking life
I just hate everything
Today I just realised that life is not like a fanfic. Any guy will ever look me and say " I love you" . I've just realised that.
Life sucks.
Love,
Jul
segunda-feira, 15 de abril de 2013
04-15-2013 ( Monday)
Well, I'm thinking about going to a phycho but I'm not sure about what I'm going to tell her. If I'm showing her my cuts or I'm just gonna stay in silence. Or if she'll ask me about my life.
Whatever. I've learnt that sometimes when we're depressed we feel like we're getting better, but then everthing falls apart again. Yesterday I was felling kind of happy, but when the night came, I realized how lonely really am. I'm broken and no one even seems to notice. I don't know if I'm getting better, of I'm getting used to the pain. It hurts. At night I sit in my bed and look at the wall thinking about all the shits I said or did. I keep thinking that no one cares. My mom don't even bother to ask why so many bracelets.And in the night I just stand there, feeling the tears streaming down my face. Sometimes I want to cry, but the tears just don't come, so I just stand there, emotioneless. Yesterday I cut. I failed. Again. God, I hate the fact I'm so weak, I'm so sensitive. I can't read something on weheartit ( for example) and don't cry. I hate it. Today I read a text on wehearit that was something like this:
" People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant felling of numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to lie. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Days aren't really days; They are just obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them? Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs, through cutting. When you are depressed, you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day. That's what depression is, not only sadness or tears, it's the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next. "
That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling numb. The only thing I can really feel is the pain. " We don't cry because we're weak, we cry because we were strong for too long." I read this once. I feel like I've being handling things for too long,since when one of my best friends said that I was too childish and for him I wasnt in the " The Group" I think. Since that day, I'm feeling low. I'm feeling sad. I think before talking because I'm afraid of what people are gonna think about me. If they're gonna think I'm rude, childish and dramatic. As " The Group" already said to me I am. Actually, I don't think I'm in The Group anymore. I took some distance, because I just let people down.I'm never good enough, I'm never smart enough. I'm never strong enough. I just not enough. That's how I feel. Like I'm just a waste of life.
Love,
Jul,x
sexta-feira, 12 de abril de 2013
quinta-feira, 11 de abril de 2013
04-11-2013 ( Thursday)
Heey! Soo, I've got some news today.
I was at History class and me and my friend was talking to me. Yep. Me. And then she asked : Are you sure you're not doing this for attention? I looked at her like: WAT? and I tried to explain. Failed. I started to cry. She just kept looking at me as I tried to explain, but I couldn't. I mean, how could she ask something like this? We dont have a choice when we're sad. We don't WAN T to be sad. Not always there's a reason, we just feel like we want to die. And 2 another friends that were sit next to me looked at me and then looked away. looked away. Ya know, there was that girl that cried yesterday. And what did they do? They helped her. But when it comes to me, they look for 1 sec and look away like nothing is happening, I told ya, my friends don't care about me. They just don't. It wouldnt matter if I die. It wouldn't make a diference.
Now, a REAL friend came talk to me. She said that I wasnt depressed. That I was just sad. I dont want to be SAD as she said. She doesn't know how I'm feeling. She said to me that she has been depressed before, when she was little, and she cut herself too. It doesn't matter, she doesn't know I'm feeling. If she knew she... i dont know what she'd do. But I can tell you. I think about suicidal every single day. Every time I wake up I wish I didnt. I just think that I wouldn't make a diference if I didn't exist. There are a lot of people just like me. Without the SAD part. There are people that make the same joke, have the same ideas in my school. So I'm useless. I wish that no one ever feel that pain, the sadness that I'm felling right now. 'cause it sucks to be me. I t sucks to live. Life sucks.
Anyways, I told a friend that I created a blog and I gave my URL to her. She told another 2 friends ( that ones in the begining, those who didn't care I was crying) and later, I discovered from that real friend that they were kind making fun of me. Saying that all I wanted is attention. Saying that making a blog is ridiculous. So, I changed my URL, so I keep writing here, because I think that blog is really helping me, and the best part is that they won`t be able to read!! YAAAY.
The only thing that sucks is that i really like those "friends". They`re funny. But I just cant stand that thing of saying that all I want is attention, `cause i'm not. I could simply keep my emotions deep inside of me and then someday blow up and start crying because of anything, but no, I decided to tell them and now, they think that I just want fucking attention. Today I cut myself like, 6 times. 6. 3 before school and 3 after. I think it was because of them I guess. I dont know, I think the other things helped.
I really want to die
Love,
Jul x
I was at History class and me and my friend was talking to me. Yep. Me. And then she asked : Are you sure you're not doing this for attention? I looked at her like: WAT? and I tried to explain. Failed. I started to cry. She just kept looking at me as I tried to explain, but I couldn't. I mean, how could she ask something like this? We dont have a choice when we're sad. We don't WAN T to be sad. Not always there's a reason, we just feel like we want to die. And 2 another friends that were sit next to me looked at me and then looked away. looked away. Ya know, there was that girl that cried yesterday. And what did they do? They helped her. But when it comes to me, they look for 1 sec and look away like nothing is happening, I told ya, my friends don't care about me. They just don't. It wouldnt matter if I die. It wouldn't make a diference.
Now, a REAL friend came talk to me. She said that I wasnt depressed. That I was just sad. I dont want to be SAD as she said. She doesn't know how I'm feeling. She said to me that she has been depressed before, when she was little, and she cut herself too. It doesn't matter, she doesn't know I'm feeling. If she knew she... i dont know what she'd do. But I can tell you. I think about suicidal every single day. Every time I wake up I wish I didnt. I just think that I wouldn't make a diference if I didn't exist. There are a lot of people just like me. Without the SAD part. There are people that make the same joke, have the same ideas in my school. So I'm useless. I wish that no one ever feel that pain, the sadness that I'm felling right now. 'cause it sucks to be me. I t sucks to live. Life sucks.
Anyways, I told a friend that I created a blog and I gave my URL to her. She told another 2 friends ( that ones in the begining, those who didn't care I was crying) and later, I discovered from that real friend that they were kind making fun of me. Saying that all I wanted is attention. Saying that making a blog is ridiculous. So, I changed my URL, so I keep writing here, because I think that blog is really helping me, and the best part is that they won`t be able to read!! YAAAY.
The only thing that sucks is that i really like those "friends". They`re funny. But I just cant stand that thing of saying that all I want is attention, `cause i'm not. I could simply keep my emotions deep inside of me and then someday blow up and start crying because of anything, but no, I decided to tell them and now, they think that I just want fucking attention. Today I cut myself like, 6 times. 6. 3 before school and 3 after. I think it was because of them I guess. I dont know, I think the other things helped.
I really want to die
Love,
Jul x
quarta-feira, 10 de abril de 2013
Hiii :)
Hey guyz. I made this blog 'cause my psycho told me to. Well, how can I describe myself? I guess the name of this blog may be usefull: Unwanted. i`m totally useless, no one likes me, I`m ugly, I`m fat. I have never had a boyfriend, I`ve never kissed anyone. I have friends. But none of them care about me. I told one friend that cut myself and she said: " If you want to cut yourself, cut in vertical" I said " But then I`m gonna die " " that's what cutting is for". Like, wasnt she my friend? Friends should support each other, and dont want them to die! Yes, I cut myself, and I`m thinking about killing myself. I think my mom dont know about this. She doesnt even know that i cut myself. I hide it with bunch of bracelets. When I did it first, I woke up sad. Wanting to die. And a long time ago, I was thinking about that. So I woke up and did it. Before going to school. That`s when I told my friends. And one of them told me to die. Well. Sorry for existing.
Bye, tnx for reading my first post
Jul x.
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