Well, I'm thinking about going to a phycho but I'm not sure about what I'm going to tell her. If I'm showing her my cuts or I'm just gonna stay in silence. Or if she'll ask me about my life.
Whatever. I've learnt that sometimes when we're depressed we feel like we're getting better, but then everthing falls apart again. Yesterday I was felling kind of happy, but when the night came, I realized how lonely really am. I'm broken and no one even seems to notice. I don't know if I'm getting better, of I'm getting used to the pain. It hurts. At night I sit in my bed and look at the wall thinking about all the shits I said or did. I keep thinking that no one cares. My mom don't even bother to ask why so many bracelets.And in the night I just stand there, feeling the tears streaming down my face. Sometimes I want to cry, but the tears just don't come, so I just stand there, emotioneless. Yesterday I cut. I failed. Again. God, I hate the fact I'm so weak, I'm so sensitive. I can't read something on weheartit ( for example) and don't cry. I hate it. Today I read a text on wehearit that was something like this:
" People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant felling of numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to lie. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Days aren't really days; They are just obstacles that need to be faced. And how do you face them? Through medication, through drinking, through smoking, through drugs, through cutting. When you are depressed, you grasp onto anything that can get you through the day. That's what depression is, not only sadness or tears, it's the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next. "
That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling numb. The only thing I can really feel is the pain. " We don't cry because we're weak, we cry because we were strong for too long." I read this once. I feel like I've being handling things for too long,since when one of my best friends said that I was too childish and for him I wasnt in the " The Group" I think. Since that day, I'm feeling low. I'm feeling sad. I think before talking because I'm afraid of what people are gonna think about me. If they're gonna think I'm rude, childish and dramatic. As " The Group" already said to me I am. Actually, I don't think I'm in The Group anymore. I took some distance, because I just let people down.I'm never good enough, I'm never smart enough. I'm never strong enough. I just not enough. That's how I feel. Like I'm just a waste of life.
Love,
Jul,x
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