04-11-2013 ( Thursday)

Heey! Soo, I've got some news today.
I was at History class and me and my friend was talking to me. Yep. Me. And then she asked : Are you sure you're not doing this for attention? I looked at her like: WAT? and I tried to explain. Failed. I started to cry.  She just kept looking at me as I tried to explain, but I couldn't. I mean, how could she ask something like this? We dont have a choice when we're sad. We don't WAN T to be sad. Not always  there's a reason, we just feel like we want to die. And 2 another friends that were sit next to me looked at me and then looked away. looked away. Ya know, there was that girl that cried yesterday. And what did they do? They helped her. But when it comes to me, they look for 1 sec and look away like nothing is happening, I told ya, my friends don't care about me. They just don't. It wouldnt matter if I die. It wouldn't make a diference.
Now,  a REAL friend came talk to me. She said that I wasnt depressed. That I was just sad. I dont want to be SAD as she said. She doesn't know how I'm feeling. She said to me that she has been depressed before, when she was little, and she cut herself too. It doesn't matter, she doesn't know I'm feeling. If she knew she... i dont know what she'd do. But I can tell you. I think about suicidal every single day. Every time I wake up I wish I didnt. I just think that I wouldn't make a diference if I didn't exist. There are a lot of people just like me. Without the SAD part. There are people that make the same joke,  have the same ideas in my school. So I'm useless. I wish that no one ever feel that pain, the sadness that I'm felling right now. 'cause it sucks to be me. I t sucks to live. Life sucks.
Anyways, I told a friend that I created a blog and I  gave my URL to her. She told another 2 friends ( that ones in the begining, those who didn't care I was crying) and later, I discovered from that real friend that they were kind making fun of me. Saying that all I wanted is attention. Saying that making a blog is ridiculous. So, I changed my URL, so I keep writing here, because I think that blog is really helping me, and the best part is that they won`t be able to read!! YAAAY.
The only thing that sucks is that i really like those "friends". They`re funny. But I just cant stand that thing of saying that all I want is attention, `cause i'm not. I could simply keep my emotions deep inside of me and then someday blow up and start crying because of anything, but no, I decided to tell them and now, they think that I just want fucking attention. Today I cut myself like, 6 times. 6. 3 before school and 3 after. I think it was because of them I guess. I dont know, I think the other things helped.
I really want to die
Love,
Jul x